Revising

I've been revising one of the poems I used for workshop and have been trying to use the feedback I got from both professor McCoy and my peers. After my first draft most of the feedback I received was to describe what my thoughts were and explain more where my head was at during this particular scene on the beach. I've added what I feel like is a lot, but feel as though it is taking away from the scene I had created in my first draft. Let me know what you think- especially those of you who remember the first draft.

Thanks! - Taylor

Stars freckled the sky, light in the black abyss

I’ll figure it out

Deep blue ,black, wondrously they stare

Water rises, creeping

Sneaking into my clenched toes

the way you seem to bring me back

Skating above the creases

Time irrelevant, care-free

how we used to be

Mind spinning

Breakup, make up

Break up, make up

Deteriorating process

Cycling like the wave

Mesmerizing

Once mesmerized by our love

Was it even love?

Waves predictable unlike my thoughts

Will it work?

Unpredictability of love

Questions rise and fall with tide

Body pressed into chilled sand, no longer the comfort of you

Dreaming in the wrong time

Too young for the fairytale you want

Thoughts circle, I want you- uncomplicated

Moons balance on the horizon

Their reflections rippling with illumination

Colors swirl like gasoline

Toxic, my thoughts circle