These are some lines from one of the muse writes we did in class on oct. 16 I beleive. I want to put some of this in my porfolio so I need all the help I can get.
There will be fights
Someone will get hurt
There wont be anyone
Noone will stay and laugh
People wont wait
The feilds will not have anything left in them
Noone will remember that kid
The adults wont play like kids
There wont be a light
No sounds of anything
Anything and everything there was will be nothing
There always was nothing
Try to hold on to one image
That image is the light
Thats the only hope
Where did it all go?
How long will it be gone for?
There will be fights
ReplyDeleteSomeone will get hurt
There wont be anyone
Not one will stay and laugh
People wont wait
The fields will not have anything left in them
Not one will remember that kid
The adults wont play like kids
There wont be a light
No sounds of anything
Anything and everything there was will be nothing
There always was nothing
Try to hold on to one image
That image is the light
That’s the only hope
Where did it all go?
How long will it be gone for?
I corrected spelling, and I changed “Noone” to Not one. It sounds more BOOM! I think. I like what yo u have here. I underlined “wont”s because I think that they sound clunky. However, with the use of not one I really think it might work well because it slows the reader down. When I read it I put a emphasis on “wont” and “not”. I think you need more here. I assume this is about fighting. Let's make a title that says something about that. I think you should add more detail in what it looks like. We need feeling here. How does it feel? How does it taste? Like blood in your mouth. What's your heart doing. That kind of thing. I would most certainly do something with stanza and be more consistent with punctuation. I hope this helps. :-)
Clayton Munger