Grandma says you can’t buy loyalty;
But I beg to differ.
I bought it three years ago.
Wrapped in a scarlet ribbon,
Sewn into one solitary-trusting heart,
She devoted herself from the start.
Playful, loving and hyper,
Demanding of attention.
She always makes me beam;
Like when the morning rays hit your face
After a spine tingling dream.
I bought happiness in a small package.
Along with that, came loyalty.
Night or Day, Tsunami or Drought
She will never vacate me.
If you don’t believe these things are for sale
Venture to 25 Park Lane.
There you will find a golden-eyed puppy,
Loving, loyal and kind,
That relishes the days when I come home
And endlessly wags her tale.
When I read back all the criticisms everyone had given me I realized that half the people said to keep the poem the way it was because they liked the happy feel to it and liked that it was light whereas most poems are not and usually about something sad, angry, etc. These people said not to add anything "deep" to the poem because it will add an adverse affect. The other half said to somehow put some tragedy or tension into the poem. So basically I don't know if I should play around with the poem, tighten it up, etc but not add any other plot to it, or if i should use what I wrote in this poem and make it into a comparison about someone who is not loyal and why they are not and compare that to my dog, who clearly is loyal and then talk about why she is? I'm kind of stuck. I said in class that when I wrote this poem I wanted to change it up and not about something depressing or angry for once which is why I wrote this and I also don't want to make a poem about my dog depressing!!! So help and opinions on how I should alter this poem would be great.
Thanks!
I really liked this poem. This is the "light" poem I'm referring to in my post. Most of the poems presented in workshop had a dreary feel to it but yours just lightened the mood. The rhyming added for a rhythmic beat that was carried on throughout the poem. The description was very vivid and I knew what the concept behind the word were right away. Adding a sad or targic moment in the poem will create an opposite effect which I don't think was your initial goal with this poem. I mean, you love your dog, which is clear in this poem, why would you want to add something sad? LOL. I think your poem is fine as is, it has a great upbeat feel to it.
ReplyDeleteI do like the simplicity and all around happy feeling of the poem, you could maybe tighten up the language just a little little bit but other than that I really like it.
ReplyDeleteAnother suggestion I think would be to find a better way to end your poem. Your last two lines make it sound like your about to go into more description or a story about this dog but instead you end it. So maybe you would want to think about adding a time that really bonded you and this dog or when he or she really showed their loyalty.
I really like your poem. I feel like you could do some revisions by adding in hints that it's about a puppy. In the first stanza you use the word "beg" which is good, and reminds me of a command you would give to a dog. You could even expand on it... like "I sit, stand, heel and beg to differ". Maybe you could add more contexts clues like that into this poem.
ReplyDeleteIn the last line of the poem did you mean to write "tale"? A dog wags its tail, but you might mean that it's how your dog tells his tale. That would be a really interesting and unique twist that you should keep. Maybe you could add in something with it to make it more apparent, like "wags her happy-ending tale".
This poem is really sweet... I'm starting to miss my dog because of how much you talked about loyalty and the happiness that a dog has. Great poem!
-Rebecca